Swine flu. Run for my life!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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