How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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