After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
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Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
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the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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