My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
