he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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