you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
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Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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