I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
