I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
