Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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