I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
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It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
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We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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