I'm going to jail i love you
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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