my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
