also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
