have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
