I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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