I bet he comes in French.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
