woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
