do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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