Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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