Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
