He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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