You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
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He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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