Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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