Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Sorry about my life...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
