totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
