mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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