i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
