I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
