I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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