Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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