i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
