Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
