this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
