Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
