a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
soo... how was my night?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
