I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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