How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
