No awkward lesbian experiences without me
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
