Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
