Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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