I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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