a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
