Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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