My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
