What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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