I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I need to stop coming to work sober
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
