By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
