Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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