She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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