Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
