u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
