Ambien. No doubt about it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
