gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
