A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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