Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I got inside last night via doggy door
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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