I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
