My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
