Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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