this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I stole a fireplace last night.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
