we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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